Willing, Unwilling

I long for You

A lone stones echoes; echoes through

The twisted tunnel of my mind:

Until You come, I’m dead inside

I need You

I reach for You; but no contact

It seems You’ve vacated my soul

And grown these thorns to keep me back

I’m climbing up a topless hole

I’m drowning

Wave after wave, self-will drags me under

And my battered eyes keep searching

For a mast on the horizon:

Your Salvation

You come

In power and grace

To free me from my fate

To fill me up; haul me out; throw me a lifeline

But wait!

I’m not quite ready to be saved.

I’m here: this tunnel, this hole, this sea

A predicament desperate as desperate can be

I called You; yes

I begged for rest

I yearn to be renewed, reborn, redeemed

It’s a desperate wish of- a part of me

Don’t just barge in; don’t You see

You’re crowding me out of my space

This tunnel may be hollow and lonely

But still, to me, it’s home; like no other place.

I’ve stored up so much treasure here:

Philosophies, beliefs and secret fears

This is my shrine; it’s sacred

Yet You demand it surrendered

Don’t yank me out; I’m in too deep

Besides, these thorns are in the way

They’ll hurt; and I don’t want to bleed

If You don’t mind, I’d rather stay...

Though down here, dangerous weeds abound:

Self-pity, unforgiveness, resentment, doubt;

They’ve come to fit me rather snug

So I shrink from Your selfless tug.

Don’t dive in yet; it’s not so bad

I want to ride on this last wave.

Kill me? Might as well- I’ve already gone mad

Addicted to the thrill of having my way.

I want to be safe under Your command-

I want to be my own captain still

So don’t just yet stretch out Your hand

Let me swim a little longer in my will.

Dear Lord, save me!

Sort of

Father, I call You

Kind of

Change me, remake me, rebuild!

Just- not so much that I can’t get refilled

By self

God, what am I saying?

Yet, isn’t this the truth I haven’t been praying?

I love You, Lord

I just love me more

I love You; but I love me

And yet I want to be free...

No, I don’t; but I should

Reject my evil, embrace Your Good

But Your Good; Your Good

Is lonely; and painful and stifling

Warm, lovely, enlightening

Oh God, if I could only have the good in Your Good...

And yet the bad in Your Good works out for my good

And so it must be good.

But something in me just won’t bend

Just won’t take Your yoke and fully depend;

Something in me loves the lie;

And it won’t simply keel over and die.

It won’t quit; won’t  freeze

Won’t reduce, so You increase

Won’t succumb, won’t adhere

Won’t magically disappear.

But God, if there’s something I surely know,

This rebellious ‘something’ has got to go.

And so

I pray

Over my mind, emotions and will:

The tunnel, the hole, and ocean-

Fill, tug and still;

But more than these, I ask Thee

Let me love You more than I love me.